FOR THOSE WHO TAKE LIFE TOO SERIOUSLY
- Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
- A day without sunshine is like, night.
- On the other hand, you have different fingers.
- I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
- 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
- 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
- I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
- You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted,
then used against you.
- I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
- Honk if you love peace and quiet.
- Remember half the people you know are below average.
- Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains?
- Nothing is fool-proof to a talented fool.
- Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
- He who laughs last thinks slowest.
- Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
- Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
- The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
- I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
- I intend to live forever - so far so good.
- Borrow money from a pessimist- they don't expect it back.
- If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
- My mind is like a steel trap - rusty and illegal in 37 states.
- Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
- The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
- Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
- When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane and going
the wrong way.
- If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
- A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
- Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
- For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.
- Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
- Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
- No one is listening until you make a mistake.
- Success always occurs in private and failure in full view.
- The colder the x-ray table the more of your body is required on it.
- The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the
- The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to
- To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
- To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
- Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
- You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
- Two wrongs are only the beginning.
- The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
- The sooner you fall behind the more time you'll have to catch up.
- A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
- Change is inevitable except from vending machines.
- Get a new car for your spouse - it'll be a great trade!
- Plan to be spontaneous - tomorrow.
- Always try to be modest and be proud of it!
- If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
- How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand...
- Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.
- If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving isn't for you.
- How do you get a man to do sit-ups? Put the remote control between his
- What did God say after creating man? I must be able to do better than
that. What did God say after creating Eve? Practice makes perfect.
- Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?" God says:
"So you would love her." "But God," the man says, "why did you make
her so dumb?" God says: "So she would love you."
- Work like you don't need the money. Love like you've never been hurt.
Dance like nobody's watching.
- I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow
isn't looking good either.
- I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
- I'm not having hot flashes, I'm having power surges!
- Everyone has a right to be stupid. Some just abuse the privilege.
- Young at Heart. Slightly Older in Other Places.
- Minds are like Parachutes. They work best when open.
- Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought
to myself, "Where the heck is the ceiling?!"
- Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I will show you
a man who can't get his pants off
- Motherhood: Another reason why we need God's constant help.
- Just because you're smart does not mean that the other guy is stupid.
- Indecision is the key to flexibility.
- Having an out of body experience. Back in five.
- Time is Nature's way of making sure that everything doesn't happen at
- If at first you don't succeed, to heck with it.
- Do unto others, then run!
- Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid doing altogether
- . I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as
they go flying by.
- Inflexibility is the hallmark of the Tiny Mind.
- If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?
- It's gonna be like threading a needle with a haystack.
- My heart's in the right place. I know, 'cuz I hid it there.
- I used to be Snow White, but I drifted.
- The trouble with being in the rat race is that even if you win, you're
still a rat.
- Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?
- Not one shred of evidence exists in favor of the idea that life is serious.
- The more you run over a dead cat, the flatter it gets.
- I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the
guts to bite people themselves.
- I put the "fun" in dysfunctional.
- Life is like a box of chocolates. It's full of nuts.
- All I ask is that you treat me no differently than you would the Queen.
- Does "anal retentive" have a hyphen?
- My Reality Check bounced.
- I get plenty of exercise jumping to conclusions, pushing my luck, and
- On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
- The Truth is Out There. So what are you doing Here?!
- Please, Lord, let me prove that winning the lottery won't spoil me.
- Does vacuuming count as Aerobic Exercise?
- I have not yet begun to procrastinate.
- There's no speed limit on the Information Superhighway.
- Sweat is nature's way of showing you your muscles are crying.
- You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.
- I don't suffer from stress. I'm a carrier.
- I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
- Just remember, no matter where you go, there you are.
- It is much easier to apologize than to ask permission.
- There are two rules for ultimate success in life. Never tell everything
- Just because you're paranoid, it doesn't mean they're NOT out to get
- I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.
- When I get to where I'm going, will somebody please tell me where I
- Motherhood: the longest guilt trip you'll ever take.
- Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.
- Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, for you are crunchy and taste
good with ketchup.
- Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
- Do not meddle in the affairs of cats, for they are subtle and will Whiz
on your computer.
- Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.